I’m an anxious person.
- Talking fast
- Occasional feelings of dread and sweating
- Constant desire to learn & better myself
Even when I feel I’m keeping the anxiety quiet, the evidence is visible in my hands.
This picture –> Me holding Elliott. You can see my chewed-up fingers, nails, fingers, knuckles. Raw knuckles are sometimes embarrassing, Christine, my wife, accepts it and loves me, but she would prefer it stopped.
I’ve gone to therapists for help. It hasn’t helped yet.
The lack of support is my fault, and I accept that I refuse to follow processes that want to view me or my family or my past as Broken, and we need to analyze my childhood and relationship with my mother to fix me.
I reject going into my past seeking the “cause of my problem.”
Like there’s a single “cause,” and even if we discovered this “cause,” I would magically know how to fix it.
You/ I Do Not Need Fixing …
My arrogance and belief that we can learn and co-construct a path to make things better, while finding acceptance that you are successful in doing what you are doing.
You do not need to be “fixed”… together we’ll find the path to do your best work.
- Elliott & Lillian Cardus born on 12/28/2013
Here’s an example of a process, questions, and answers I used to find my path to being a more comfortable presenter in front of large audiences.
- Situation: What do you want to have happen? To be more comfortable talking in front of audiences. To be seen as competent, fun, and likable. When done with my talk, to feel that I did my best and know that I shared all I could with the audience.
- Observer: If someone you care about and who cares about you was to see you doing this, what are they seeing? Christine, my wife, would see the following. Me smiling and walking freely around; pausing between sentences; laughing at my own jokes; sharing stories about our lives; talking at a pace that she can understand; audience interaction through activities, discussions, and questions; keeping my hands in front of my body; me feeling open to ask challenging questions and state unpopular facts.
- Level: On a scale of 0 – 10. With 10 being you know how to achieve this and 0 being the opposite, where are you? Six
- Validation: You stated a six, wow that is great! What are you doing that is keeping you at a six? How do you know you’re at a six? I am already giving talks and workshops where this happens. I’ve been speaking in front of audiences since I was 15. Looking for feedback from friends and people in the audience who enjoy my work and find me competent and fun.
- Validation (2): How are you managing to be so successful? Practice and preparation. I realized that when I take the necessary time to prepare, it goes smoother. Plus, when I arrive at the location an hour and a half to two hours early, walk around and get everything put in its place, I can relax and be more comfortable.
- Exceptions: When are you already doing what you want to do? Even a little bit? It happens almost every time. I can think of moments in workshops and talks where my confidence, knowledge, and excitement resonated with people.
- Decision & Direction: What are your next small steps? How will you know what worked? I have a workshop with 130 people in 3 days. The step I will take will be to prepare by having an agenda, program plan, defined objectives for the workshop, and enough materials to change as needed. Plus, arrive early, set up the room, visualize and mentally walk through the day, and list some backup plans. As people arrive, I will greet them, look for some friendly people and connect.
BTW Took the steps above, and it was one of my best workshops. Contracted 4 months of team consulting and 1 on 1 work with the company.